Children and grief
In a letter to parents about children and grief Elizabeth Kubler-Ross (1983, p. 2)states: “They are aware of your pains and worries, your sleepless nights and concerns, and you should not hide them. Don’t go into their room with a false “cheerful” smile. Children cannot be fooled. Don’t lie to them that you just chopped some onions. How many onions are you going to cut? Tell them you are sad and sometimes feel so useless that you cannot help more. They will hold you in their little arms and feel good that they can help you by sharing comfort. Shared sorrow is much easier to bear than filling them with feelings of guilt and fear that they are the cause of your anxiety.”
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Working with children experiencing grief or loss
When dealing with children, keep in mind that:
- children may often go through similar experiences of grief as that of adults
- even though this may be the case, they may not express this experience in the same way
- in many cases, children haven’t developed the same ability as adults to understand what is happening and may not easily talk about their feelings
- how children understand and react to loss will depend partly on their age and developmental level.
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Here is a snapshot of what experiences of loss can be like for children at different developmental ages. These should be considered only as a guide as every child’s experience is unique:
At 2-5 years:
- Children have trouble understanding the permanence of a loss.
- They may feel insecure as they try to make sense of the lost person or thing - they may cry and become more clingy than before.
- They may make attempts to retrieve the lost object of their affection – for example, they may dig up a dead animal as if they expect to find it alive.
At 5-9 years
- As an older child starting to make its way in the world of school and other social events, the child may have to deal more with other people’s reactions, such as peers who may ask questions.
- They may be very aware of adults’ reactions to grief and try to protect adults from finding out how they are feeling.
- They may experience guilt and unrealistic or ‘magical’ thoughts about how something about them, their behaviour or their thoughts may have caused the loss to occur.
- They may have a fascination or curiosity around death - they may ask interesting and quite challenging questions about morbid topics such as what happens to dead people and dead bodies.
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Age 9-12
- Children at these ages are developing a better understanding of how final death is and that it happens to all living things - this can lead them to have frightening or morbid thoughts about their own death.
- They may have physical symptoms as a result of the depth and the personal impact of their experience.
- Children at this age may be more likely to deny loss in a similar way to an adult - this can come across as very uncaring.
Adolescents
- Are more likely to show more outward signs of grief, similar to an adult, with more crying, expressions of anger, sadness, and depression.
- The intensity of their feelings may be connected with thoughts about their own mortality, which may in a few cases include thoughts of suicide.
- They may question their own identity, the meaning of their life or the meaning of life in general.
- They may become interested in alternative cultures and alternative interpretations of death, including exploring the occult and investigating the rituals associated with different cultures.
- They may react to outward pressure or feel some obligation to take on more adult roles, such as an adolescent taking on the role of a parent who has died.
- The expectations of peers can be particularly powerful and this may lead to adolescents exaggerating or hiding their grief responses depending on what they think their peers expect of them.
- Adolescents may feel very lonely when peers are not in a position to respond from the point of view of having the same or a similar grief experience.
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Disclaimer: General information only - you should consult with the relevant professional before using it with a particular child. See further disclaimer details.
How to deal with children around times of grief
General tips
- Keep it simple - children need to be told about death in language that is clear, simple and at a level that they understand.
- Be honest - children should be offered opportunities to ask questions and should have their questions answered as honestly as possible. Honest answers may sometimes include admitting that there is no answer or we don’t know the answer to that question yet. If honest answers are not given, children may try and make sense of things by making up an explanation for themselves. This can lead to some children blaming themselves in some way. When choosing language to explain death, try to avoid connecting death with lifelike activities. This may only confuse the child. For example, saying “… has gone to sleep for a very long time” may cause a child to fear going to sleep.
- Ensure people closest to the child provide information and support - if children don’t find out the details of a death from a caring relative or friend there is always the risk they will be given misleading information from others. However sometimes the most caring people are dealing with their own grief and may not be ready to see what the child needs. In these cases, someone close to the family but not so directly affected can take on part of the role of informing the child. This shouldn’t be done without consulting with the family first.
- Protect the child from public curiosity - where a death has a ‘public interest’ element the media may become involved. Care needs to be taken to protect children from exploitation by media operators.
- Avoid giving confusing and contradictory messages - sometimes children get mixed messages about what is acceptable in expressing their grief. They may hear “Now, now there, don’t cry” from one person while another person may encourage them to express their grief quite openly. There can be unreasonable expectations placed upon them to be strong for their parents or others in such a situation.
- Provide reassurance – reassure the child that the world has not completely changed. Return to as near as possible to normal routines as soon as possible. Children may need reassurance that death is not contagious or catching.
- Be aware of the other losses associated with the major loss or death - other losses may include:
- loss of income
- loss of family network
- loss of household if a move becomes necessary
- loss of security.
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Ongoing Help for Children
- Allow re-emergence of grief.
- Have some answers ready for the most likely questions.
- Answer questions when they arise or make an appropriate agreement with the child to answer them and then follow through on your promise.
- Expect that some behaviour problems may be connected with grief but don’t allow behaviour to get out of hand before treating it as you would any other time.
- Include children in mourning rituals and processes.
- Keep memories alive, even if the relationship was a difficult one - provide momentos if possible, such as a photograph, a keepsake, or even a gift that was given by the child to the person.
- Make sure the adults in the situation are being looked after as well - this includes yourself!
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Help from schools and teachers
A child’s school can be a place of refuge from the changes that are being experienced at home. On the other hand, school may be a place for some children where they can express their feelings more openly without fear of hurting other family members. A school or teachers can help in the following ways:
- Keep routines as normal as possible.
- Allow expressions of grief in a safe way but don’t allow these to overwhelm the other positive experiences of school.
- Be aware that refusal to attend school may signal that a child is unsure of the school situation, and have unanswered questions such as “Who knows about the death? and “How are people going to react?”
- Children may need to be protected from a barrage of questioning from their peers.
- Because the child is different in some way from peers, they may be more likely to be teased and bullied and may be hurt more by teasing and bullying.
- While children are away from home they may have thoughts about what is happening at home and may even be scared that something bad will happen while they are away.
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Grief processing activities
In the book ‘Exploring Grief with Your Child’, Dillon (1994) includes several ‘Grief Processing Activities’ for children under the following categories:
- Preventative activities - designed to prevent the build-up of feelings associated with grief.
- Processing activities - designed to process and relieve the burden of grief already being carried by a child.
- Healing activities - designed to help heal the pain of loss to the point where the child can benefit from the new environment that they are facing.
Donna Schuurman (2002) had the following to say about children and grief:
“Sorrow needs expression, but it’s not always with words. The more tools and permission we provide for children and adolescents, the more likely they will find their own forms of expression rather than the narrow options we might offer. Give sorrow words, yes, but also paint and glue, and hammers and nails, and long walks and quiet, and music and play, and all other possible forms of expression, including silence.”
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Books referred to on this page
- Dillon, I.L. (1994). Exploring Grief with Your Child. Enchante Publishing, Palo Alto
- Kubler-Ross, E. (1983). On Children and Death. Touchstone, New York
- Pennells, M. and Smith, S.C. (1995). The Forgotten Mourners: Guidelines for Working with Bereaved Children. Jessica Kingsley Publishers Limited, London
- Schuurman, D.L. (2002). The club no-one wants to join: A dozen things I’ve learned from grieving children and adolescents. Grief Matters, Winter 2002
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Resources on grief and disability
Support Services
Loss and Grief Centre
26 Daphne Street
Prospect SA 5082
Telephone: 8342 4005
Fax: 8344 1076
E-mail
Star Bear
‘Star Bear’ joined Anglicare S.A. within the Loss & Grief Centre in July 2002 as a support program for grieving children. Among the activities that Star Bear provides are camps, which are held 3 or 4 times per year. The camps are primarily for children between the ages of five and fourteen who have experienced a loss or bereavement in their immediate family. Star Bear may be a choice for sisters and brothers of children with disabilities.
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Books, articles, and workbooks relevant to children & grief
- Beal, S. (1996). The Little Boat with the Big Blue Eyes. Published by the author, Adelaide
- ISBN: 0 646 273469
- Fitzgerald, H. (1992). The grieving child: A parent’s guide. Fireside, New York
- Heegaard, M. (1991). When something terrible happens. Woodlands Press, Minneapolis
- Irizarry, C. & Bull, M. (2000). Selected readings in loss and grief.South Australia. Novita Library call number 155.937 IRI
- Kubler-Ross, E. (1983). On children and death: How children and their parents can and do cope with death. Touchstone, New York
- Pennels, M. & Smith, S.C. (1995). The forgotten Mourners: Guidelines for working with bereaved children. Jessica Kingsley Publishers Ltd., London
- Wolfelt, A.D. (2001). Healing your grieving heart for kids: 100 practical ideas. Companion Press, Colorado
- A more extensive listing of books is provided as part of the Novita Grief and Loss Package
Websites suitable for children to visit
(See Related External Links list)
Disclaimer Detail: The information on this website is of a general nature only and does not constitute advice. Novita Children's Services makes no representations as to the accuracy, usefulness, suitability or application of the information to a child's particular circumstances. You should seek professional advice before acting or relying on the information. In using this site, you are agreeing to the Terms and Conditions of Use for the site.