Facing the reactions of others
The reactions and attitudes of other people to disability can be very different because people have different knowledge and experiences of disability. Their reaction can then have a large effect on the child with a disability, their parents, or their siblings. Positive experiences can be extremely satisfying and memorable for the people involved, while negative experiences can be overwhelming. The focus of this page is on dealing with other people's reactions regarding a child with a physical disability.
On this page
Why the reactions of others can be noticeable
Parents who have a child with a disability often have some of the following experiences:
.gif)
They discover that it's harder to feel ‘invisible’ in public places.- They feel different for a time, and react differently.
- They feel more sensitive than before in some areas.
- They feel exposed to the natural curiosity of people when they first see meet someone who is different for the first time.
- They experience other people's good intentions which may or may not be welcome at the time.
- They experience other people's need to help or 'rescue' anybody that they think may need help.
Top of page contents
View a videoclip about some of the reactions of others (this link commences streaming of a 4.5Mb MOV file of 1 minutes, 46 seconds length).
Other people who come into contact with a child with a physical disability or their family may be feeling:
- unsure how to react
- unsure how the parents or child feels
- unsure what a parent's sensitivities are
- uncomfortable
- fearful or afraid (even before they meet a parent)
- confused – they may not be comfortable with the level of comfort a parent shows, for example, a parent may treat a child with no favouritism and this may seem harsh to someone who doesn't understand the relationship and experience of the parent
- sympathy
- pity
- may appear disinterested or not concerned (fear and anxiety may sometimes come across this way).
As a result of a person having these feelings:
- They may become uncertain of what they should say or do.
- They may pick up or misinterpret a parent's reactions and become even more uncomfortable.
- If the discomfort is strong enough, they may try to completely avoid the situation in the future.
- Relationships may change - parents may find that they start to see less of some friends and more of others - some parents make new friends.
Top of page contents
Who is affected
- Parents - the parent who does most of the day-to-day care and contact with the public, is more likely to experience a range of reactions.
- Other carers - may face similar reactions to parents - each person's experience of the same reaction can be quite different.
- Brothers and sisters may be affected at certain times more than at others.
- The child with a disability may at some times be unaware of the reactions of others, but at certain ages and situations may become more aware.
- Staff from support agencies - yes, they're human too, and every so often something will happen that can catch them by surprise!
Places where the reactions of others may be noticed
At home, the reactions noticed may include:
- withdrawal
- anger
- tearfulness
- frustration
- euphoria and elation
- denying and not recognising there is any problem
- over-protectiveness
- fear and anxiety.
Away from home, reactions may be noticeable in:
- the home of relatives and friends
- educational settings, for example, child care, preschools, schools and universities
- public places
- Clinical settings, such as hospitals, medical practices, therapy services.
Reactions noticed away from home may include:
- denying and not recognising there is any problem
- withdrawal, keeping you 'at arm's length'
- anger
- frustration and questioning one’s parenting ability or the progress being made
.gif)
over-protectiveness- discounting, for example, "but she's so pretty"
- anxiety
- making it all sound too hard to deal with
- teasing or bullying
- staring. curiosity and questioning
- blaming the parent or carer for the behaviour of the child
- claiming the ability to 'fix' the child for example, ‘Send her home with me, I'll soon sort her out!’
- avoiding giving answers
- being blunt and to-the-point and being insensitive to the child or parent
- bamboozling - using lots of difficult words or 'jargon'.
Disclaimer: General information only - you should consult with the relevant professional before applying it to a particular situation. See disclaimer details.
Top of page contents
'Hot' times for parents
‘Hot’ times are the times of higher risk of having difficult experiences with other people's reactions. Reactions and behaviours never stay the same. People can go for a long time, even years, with no unpleasant experiences. The following are times when a parent is more likely to feel uncomfortable:
- The first time a parent goes home after finding out they have a child with a disability.
- The first time a parent goes to a relative's or friend's home after finding out they have a child with a disability.
- When seeing someone for the first time after hearing difficult news.
- On meeting some new people for the first time.
- Going to a public place for the first time for example, a shopping centre, or just walking down the street.
- Starting at a new service or school.
- Moving from one service or school level to another.
- Birthdays or other occasions when comparisons may be made, either by the parent themselves, or others.
- At meetings where a child's progress is being discussed.
- In periods where the child is going through a hard time.
Top of page contents
Help for parents
Parents can prepare for the reactions of others by:
- letting other people know what actions and reactions they are comfortable with - having these boundaries helps other people communicate with parents in a way that is more comfortable
- educating people about how to communicate appropriately - view the booklet
Communicating With People With Disability (PDF - 449Kb)
- developing some short, snappy answers and some longer explanations, and having them ready for use in different situations
- role playing or rehearsing (for example practicing a short answer alone or trying it out with a trusted friend and getting some feedback)
- some people find it helpful to carry a small card for times they don't want to talk about things - the card can acknowledge someone's attempt to communicate - at the same time it can educate
- being clear about which situations can be handled easily and which ones are likely to need more preparation
- knowing the limits - planning a way to ease out of some situations and be prepared to use it - having an 'escape plan' as a safety valve may give a parent added strength to deal with a situation
- practicing ‘self-talk’(talking positively to yourself) to:
- give confidence in the situation, for example, thinking "You're handling it well this time"
- put things in perspective, to see another way of looking at it, thinking for example, "Yes that was very rude, and it should get a response from somebody, but today's not my day to save the world"
- keep a check on our reactions, for example, "I'm feeling quite calm now considering how I felt last time".
- exploring what tension release and relaxation methods work quickly and well and practicing them
- using humour, but staying at a level of humour that is comfortable for you
- grouping people according to their importance. Some parents have found it helpful to think about people this way. This can reduce the parent's reaction. A parent is more likely to react strongly to someone they care about, than if they realise it is someone that may never be seen again. Realising you will probably never see someone again can be a great relief. On the other hand, parents might feel more able to express their annoyance to a stranger. Parents don't have to tell people what group they are in. Just making a mental note can help. Grouping people this way may be an early step in taking control of the situation. Some of the groups that can be considered are:
- people you really care about (for example, closest family, closest friends)
- people you feel a need to have on-side (for example, some valued professionals)
- people you are stuck with (this may include some you care about and some you don't care so much about)
- strangers and people you don't need to care about as much
- other children who have a lot to do with a child with a disability
- other children who have very little to do with a child with a disability.
- Grouping and labelling people's reactions. Putting a label on people's reactions can be as helpful as grouping people. It can also be a source of humour. Parents can play around with their own categories or brainstorm some ideas with a friend.
Each new experience, even difficult ones, can be good preparation for the next. When parents share their stories with others, it can help people discover new ways of dealing with situations.
Top of page contents
'Hot' times for children with a disability
‘Hot’ times are those times when difficulties are more likely to occur. Not everyone is going to have difficulties at these times. Children who are more interested in their social life are more likely to experience difficulties over reactions from others to their disability. They may experience difficulties in the following situations:
- On meeting some new people for the first time.
- When starting at a new school.
- On moving from one school level to another.
- In middle primary years when friendships often change anyway.
- During the high school years when relationships with children of their own age (peers) take on a new level of importance. A child may not have any problems in the early years at school, but they may experience more social isolation during one of the middle-primary years, or for part of a year or two at high school. This tends to be at points where their peers may make large steps in their development or change their play and interests. This sometimes leaves a child behind for a while. Things usually settle down again after some adjustment is made.
Disclaimer: This information is for general use and you should talk to the relevant therapist before using it with a particular person or family. See disclaimer details.
Top of page contents
Help for kids
If a child is facing some testing times at school or in public due to the reactions of other to their disability, here are some things that may help:
- Talking about other children who have had similar experiences - they can look forward to a time when it won't feel as bad.
- Meeting and talking with other kids in similar situations often helps - they can share their experiences and then brainstorm and exchange ideas that might help.
- Input around self-image, self-awareness and social skills can help.
- Finding out about bullying and teasing policies at schools.
- Novita Psychologists can help with different ways of thinking and behaving in these hard situations.
- Training in ‘disability awareness’ that helps children without disabilities become more in tune with disability issues.
'Hot' times for brothers and sisters
There are times when a sibling is more likely to think about the reactions of other people:
- The first time they go out in public with their brother or sister with a disability.
- The first time they go out in public after some big change with their brother or sister with a disability.
- Soon after their brother or sister starts attending the same school.
- Birthdays or other occasions when comparisons may be made.
- If they find out their brother or sister is going through a hard time at school.
- When they bring friends home for the first time.
Disclaimer: This information is for general use and you should talk to the relevant therapist before using it with a particular person or family.
Top of page contents
Help for brothers and sisters
Things that might help siblings of the person with the disability include:
Sibling groups.- Meeting and talking with other kids in similar situations often helps. They can share their experiences and exchange ideas that might help. There might be someone in their circle of friends that also has a brother or sister with a disability
- One-to-one talks with the psychologist can help when sibling groups aren't available
- The Sibling section of this website.
Top of page contents
Resources
Books
The following books may be obtained through the Novita Toy & Resource Centre. If you are registered with the Centre, you can borrow them by completing the on-line request form.
- Fulwood, D (1986). Facing the crowd: managing other people's insensitivities to your disabled child. Royal Victorian Institute for the Blind, Burwood, Victoria
- Miller, NB (1997). Nobody’s Perfect: Living and Growing with Children Who Have Special Needs. Paul H. Brookes Publishing Co., Baltimore
Booklet
Communicating With People With Disability (PDF - 449Kb)
Videotape/DVD
- You're Not Alone - video made by Novita featuring parents relating their experiences. Available from the Toy and Resource Centre or any Novita Office
- Cerebral Palsy - A Positive Future - A DVD available for loan from the Toy and Resource Centre or for sale from the Adelaide Women's and Children's Hospital.
Send an online message to a psychologist or contact a psychologists in one of the regional offices.
Disclaimer Detail: The above information on is of a general nature only and does not constitute advice. Novita Children's Services makes no representations, express or implied, as to the accuracy, usefulness, suitability or application of the information to a child's particular circumstances. Use of the information above is at your sole risk, and you should seek professional advice before acting or relying on the information. Novita Children's Services accepts no liability for any damages or loss that may arise from the use of, or any omission from, the information provided. In using this site, you are agreeing to the Terms and Conditions of Use for the site.